Thursday, March 29, 2007
Bush and the Blogger defense
This just in from AlterNet:
"As E&P's Greg Mitchell writes:
This is how far he, and his argument for continuing the slaughter in Iraq, has fallen: President Bush today was reduced to quoting two anonymous bloggers from Baghdad.
He cited them as evidence that his surge/escalation is working. One problem: their posts were written weeks ago, and re-published in the Wall Street Journal on March 7.
McCain's comments, the ones he's been forced to flee from due to their laughable nature, are also confronted with an assessment from General Barry McCaffrey (Ret.) portraying Baghdad as a severely dangerous place to be with few signs of progress.
In the clip, Olbermann and former Wash Post Iraq bureau chief Rajiv Chandrasekaran discuss the gulf between reality and the Bush/McCain/Dentist blogger view... "
Click here http://www.alternet.org/blogs/video/49901 or on the post title to see the video.
Also:David Hicks pleads guilty from Gitmo -- sort of [VIDEO] http://www.alternet.org/blogs/video/49884
"As E&P's Greg Mitchell writes:
This is how far he, and his argument for continuing the slaughter in Iraq, has fallen: President Bush today was reduced to quoting two anonymous bloggers from Baghdad.
He cited them as evidence that his surge/escalation is working. One problem: their posts were written weeks ago, and re-published in the Wall Street Journal on March 7.
McCain's comments, the ones he's been forced to flee from due to their laughable nature, are also confronted with an assessment from General Barry McCaffrey (Ret.) portraying Baghdad as a severely dangerous place to be with few signs of progress.
In the clip, Olbermann and former Wash Post Iraq bureau chief Rajiv Chandrasekaran discuss the gulf between reality and the Bush/McCain/Dentist blogger view... "
Click here http://www.alternet.org/blogs/video/49901 or on the post title to see the video.
Also:David Hicks pleads guilty from Gitmo -- sort of [VIDEO] http://www.alternet.org/blogs/video/49884
Labels: Blogs, George Bush, News, Republicans
The War on Drugs, Intelligent Design Morons and Bush Administration Childishness
The early AM hours once again finds me reading my daily morning papers over my last addictive indulgence I have, coffee. As is normal some of what I find there is amusing especially the antics of that irrepressible feline Garfield (Sarcasm alert, level 3). I find a few things of deep fascination like the latest details developing in the multi-dimensional Brane theories in astrophysics. However most of what is laid out before me on my screen (Most of my publication subscriptions are of the on-line variety) is either disturbing or infuriating. If I wanted disturbing or infuriating I would review the vast unpaid bill collection on my desk or read all the spam in my junk mail folder (No, I am not interested in lengthening my p13nis by up to 3 1nch3s…an offer from sender Qrb#.sam Bron&*( A poorly typed e-mail dated March 28, 2031 ).
The War on Drugs:
The first article I took in this morning was from Arianna Huffington of the Los Angeles Times and featured in the on-line magazine AlterNet. You can see the full article here http://www.alternet.org/rights/49782 In the article Huffington reports on how the "War on Drugs" is in fact more of a war on minorities than anything else. I agree and would take that statement a little further by expanding it to say that the "War on Drugs" is a war on the poor. Minority social oppression is so deeply integrated with poverty that I don't think the two can be separated in any way. What you say about minorities is indistinguishable from anything you might say about the poor (On this topic at least). Both are a major Democratic demographic. Both are the least likely group of peoples to vote. Both are heavily discriminated against. Both all to often have their voting rights oppressed and the political party that claims to support their rights and needs the most often ignores both. That is to say the Democrats.
The next item up on my morning pallet is about Creationism:
BLEH, I don't want to get started on the morons who support the pseudo-science duck vomit known as Creationism or as it has recently been renamed Intelligent Design. I thankfully had not heard much on the topic and had not thought of it in awhile but this article by Chris Hedges of Truthdig brought it to the forefront of my mind again.
In the Article Hedges writes about the proliferation of Creation "Science" Museums across the country. He sees this as yet one more effort of the Christian Right to conform science and history to fit strict, Biblical interpretations. I agree entirely. I also find it alarming that the general public is so passive and docile to this perversion of truth. Read the article (or at least scan it) here http://www.alternet.org/rights/49811/ for the full story and also for a few good chuckles provided courtesy of the nature of the creationist imbecilic beliefs.
The article starts out with the poignant if overlong quote:
Before they seize power and establish a world according to their doctrines, totalitarian movements conjure up a lying world of consistency which is more adequate to the needs of the human mind than reality itself; in which, through sheer imagination, uprooted masses can feel at home and are spared the never-ending shocks which real life and real experiences deal to human beings and their expectations. The force possessed by totalitarian propaganda -- before the movements have the power to drop iron curtains to prevent anyone's disturbing, by the slightest reality, the gruesome quiet of an entirely imaginary world--lies in its ability to shut the masses off from the real world." -- Hannah Arendt, "The Origins of Totalitarianism"
Some other high lights from the article are:
"The museum…has a scale model of Noah's ark that shows how Noah solved the problem of fitting dinosaurs into the three levels of the vessel--he loaded only baby dinosaurs. And on the wooden model, infant dinosaurs cavort with horses, giraffes, hippopotamuses, penguins and bears. There is an elaborate display of the Garden of Eden, where Adam and Eve, naked but strategically positioned so as not to display breasts or genitals…"
I like the part about the genitals and breast concealment, it demonstrates the general hypocrisy of the museum curators. How difficult it must have been for Adam and Eve to move about while making sure their naughty bits were hidden by the abundant and convenient shrubbery. By the way if original sin included sudden awareness of nudity and the implications of poor morality that accompany nudity and if Jesus' death absolved mankind of his original sin is then why is nudity and shame still on the sin clipboard?
Also:
"…in Genesis 1:30… God gives "green herb" to every creature to eat…"
Hmm, perhaps there was a mistranslation somewhere and Genesis 1:30 should have more accurately be read as "God gives "green herb" to every creature to smoke". While that may not be true it certainly is a lot more humorous.
The heart of the subject can be summed up in the following excerpt from the article:
"The danger of creationism is that, like the pseudo-science of Nazi eugenics, it allows facts to be accepted or discarded according to the dictates of a preordained ideology. Creationism removes the follower from the rational, reality-based world. Signs, miracles and wonders occur not only in the daily life of Christians but in history, science, medicine and logic. The belief system becomes the basis to understand the world. Random facts and data are collected and made to fit into this belief system or discarded. When facts are treated as if they were opinions, when there is no universal standard to determine truth, in law, in science, in scholarship, or in the reporting of the events of the day, the world becomes a place where people can believe what they want to believe, where there is no possibility of reaching any conclusion not predetermined by those who interpret the official, divinely inspired text. This is the goal of creationists."
Ultimately I don't think the Christian Right will succeed just as the Catholic Church did not succeed in the debate over the Copernican celestial model verses the Ptolemaic model. There was however a lot of trouble and time to go through before the matter was settled. I wonder if the creationist would propagate some twisted version of the Ptolemaic if they were not sure they would be exposed as the quacks they are to the general public. This is essentially the sort of thing they are doing with evolutionary science and paleontology.
The danger in the now is how much influence these people will have in our daily lives. I have children and I do not want them taught the ludicrous crackpot theories of Intelligent Design any more than I want them taught that the Earth is flat and that the contents of the solar system revolve around it all under the crystalline celestial sphere where the stars reside below the eyes of a watchful, vengeful and mentally deficient god.
The museum is an demonstrative of the Christian Rights agenda and use of pseudo-science as a tool to deceive the general public. Their use of misapplied, made-up and irrelevant scientific terms is no different from what science fiction writers do in your average episode of Star Trek but it is more fiendish.
Repressive systems of belief evolve into fascist ones given enough encouragement or ignored long enough.
They start out innocently proclaiming to teach people to "believe what they want." However over time their true motives start to emerge. Their ideas are opinions and science is not. They would have people believe the other way around. "This primacy of personal opinion, regardless of facts, destabilizes and destroys the primacy of all facts. This process leads inevitably to the big lie. Facts are useful only if they bolster the message. The use of mass-marketing techniques to persuade and convince, rather than brainwash, has led tens of millions of followers to accept the toxic totalitarian line by tricking them into believing it's their own. Ironically, at the outset the movement seemingly encourages people to think 'independently' or 'courageously.'" To quote Chris Hedges.
In the end these fundamentalist cannot deny science and factual evidence. Reason wins out in the end but at what cost and how long will it take? They are aware they need to convince followers of science and logic that they and not REAL science are in possession of the facts and that legitimate scientist are corrupted by secular humanist, socialist (No one really buys that pinko communist thing anymore), atheist and hippies on the west coast. They attempt to use the language and not the methodology of science to convince middle America that it is the scientist and secular folks with the agenda and not themselves.
I find it ironic that they have to use perversions of science in their efforts. This is because their own proclamations of truth and fact are false, unconvincing and ultimately sound silly when laid out for what they are.
The last thing I read this morning before my six month old daughter woke up and I had to switch over to diaper duty was about George Bush's vehement opposition to the congressional funding bill for Iraq.
In an article by Shailagh Murray and Jonathan Weisman of the Washington post it is reported that, as we all know, Bush will veto the bill as it stands if passed. This because of the inclusion of the "pork" legislation attached to the bill. Namely the deadline for the withdrawal of troops from the Vietnam like quagmire of Iraq.
Read the Full article here:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/03/28/AR2007032800157.html
In the article Bush is quoted as saying "the American people will know who to hold responsible" .Well duh. George Bush and his administration will be to blame for not passing the bill.
This all sounds to me to be an extremely childish stance to take. "Bleh, I,'m not letting any money to support the troops be authorized if you don't do the bill my way." Granted the argument could be made in reverse however it should be noted that the bill as presented better reflects the will of the people than the Bush administrations stance. The majority of people want both troop withdrawal and financial (as well as moral) support for our troops. This bill provides both. This all so typical of Bush and his boys.. Well the bill passed and now sits before the President I expect Bush will do as he has said he will and veto the bill in a juvenile tantrum of "cutting off ones nose to spite ones face"
That sums up my morning reading as of 6:38Am I am off to tend to Miss Poopy Pants and get on with my Day.
The War on Drugs:
The first article I took in this morning was from Arianna Huffington of the Los Angeles Times and featured in the on-line magazine AlterNet. You can see the full article here http://www.alternet.org/rights/49782 In the article Huffington reports on how the "War on Drugs" is in fact more of a war on minorities than anything else. I agree and would take that statement a little further by expanding it to say that the "War on Drugs" is a war on the poor. Minority social oppression is so deeply integrated with poverty that I don't think the two can be separated in any way. What you say about minorities is indistinguishable from anything you might say about the poor (On this topic at least). Both are a major Democratic demographic. Both are the least likely group of peoples to vote. Both are heavily discriminated against. Both all to often have their voting rights oppressed and the political party that claims to support their rights and needs the most often ignores both. That is to say the Democrats.
The next item up on my morning pallet is about Creationism:
BLEH, I don't want to get started on the morons who support the pseudo-science duck vomit known as Creationism or as it has recently been renamed Intelligent Design. I thankfully had not heard much on the topic and had not thought of it in awhile but this article by Chris Hedges of Truthdig brought it to the forefront of my mind again.
In the Article Hedges writes about the proliferation of Creation "Science" Museums across the country. He sees this as yet one more effort of the Christian Right to conform science and history to fit strict, Biblical interpretations. I agree entirely. I also find it alarming that the general public is so passive and docile to this perversion of truth. Read the article (or at least scan it) here http://www.alternet.org/rights/49811/ for the full story and also for a few good chuckles provided courtesy of the nature of the creationist imbecilic beliefs.
The article starts out with the poignant if overlong quote:
Before they seize power and establish a world according to their doctrines, totalitarian movements conjure up a lying world of consistency which is more adequate to the needs of the human mind than reality itself; in which, through sheer imagination, uprooted masses can feel at home and are spared the never-ending shocks which real life and real experiences deal to human beings and their expectations. The force possessed by totalitarian propaganda -- before the movements have the power to drop iron curtains to prevent anyone's disturbing, by the slightest reality, the gruesome quiet of an entirely imaginary world--lies in its ability to shut the masses off from the real world." -- Hannah Arendt, "The Origins of Totalitarianism"
Some other high lights from the article are:
"The museum…has a scale model of Noah's ark that shows how Noah solved the problem of fitting dinosaurs into the three levels of the vessel--he loaded only baby dinosaurs. And on the wooden model, infant dinosaurs cavort with horses, giraffes, hippopotamuses, penguins and bears. There is an elaborate display of the Garden of Eden, where Adam and Eve, naked but strategically positioned so as not to display breasts or genitals…"
I like the part about the genitals and breast concealment, it demonstrates the general hypocrisy of the museum curators. How difficult it must have been for Adam and Eve to move about while making sure their naughty bits were hidden by the abundant and convenient shrubbery. By the way if original sin included sudden awareness of nudity and the implications of poor morality that accompany nudity and if Jesus' death absolved mankind of his original sin is then why is nudity and shame still on the sin clipboard?
Also:
"…in Genesis 1:30… God gives "green herb" to every creature to eat…"
Hmm, perhaps there was a mistranslation somewhere and Genesis 1:30 should have more accurately be read as "God gives "green herb" to every creature to smoke". While that may not be true it certainly is a lot more humorous.
The heart of the subject can be summed up in the following excerpt from the article:
"The danger of creationism is that, like the pseudo-science of Nazi eugenics, it allows facts to be accepted or discarded according to the dictates of a preordained ideology. Creationism removes the follower from the rational, reality-based world. Signs, miracles and wonders occur not only in the daily life of Christians but in history, science, medicine and logic. The belief system becomes the basis to understand the world. Random facts and data are collected and made to fit into this belief system or discarded. When facts are treated as if they were opinions, when there is no universal standard to determine truth, in law, in science, in scholarship, or in the reporting of the events of the day, the world becomes a place where people can believe what they want to believe, where there is no possibility of reaching any conclusion not predetermined by those who interpret the official, divinely inspired text. This is the goal of creationists."
Ultimately I don't think the Christian Right will succeed just as the Catholic Church did not succeed in the debate over the Copernican celestial model verses the Ptolemaic model. There was however a lot of trouble and time to go through before the matter was settled. I wonder if the creationist would propagate some twisted version of the Ptolemaic if they were not sure they would be exposed as the quacks they are to the general public. This is essentially the sort of thing they are doing with evolutionary science and paleontology.
The danger in the now is how much influence these people will have in our daily lives. I have children and I do not want them taught the ludicrous crackpot theories of Intelligent Design any more than I want them taught that the Earth is flat and that the contents of the solar system revolve around it all under the crystalline celestial sphere where the stars reside below the eyes of a watchful, vengeful and mentally deficient god.
The museum is an demonstrative of the Christian Rights agenda and use of pseudo-science as a tool to deceive the general public. Their use of misapplied, made-up and irrelevant scientific terms is no different from what science fiction writers do in your average episode of Star Trek but it is more fiendish.
Repressive systems of belief evolve into fascist ones given enough encouragement or ignored long enough.
They start out innocently proclaiming to teach people to "believe what they want." However over time their true motives start to emerge. Their ideas are opinions and science is not. They would have people believe the other way around. "This primacy of personal opinion, regardless of facts, destabilizes and destroys the primacy of all facts. This process leads inevitably to the big lie. Facts are useful only if they bolster the message. The use of mass-marketing techniques to persuade and convince, rather than brainwash, has led tens of millions of followers to accept the toxic totalitarian line by tricking them into believing it's their own. Ironically, at the outset the movement seemingly encourages people to think 'independently' or 'courageously.'" To quote Chris Hedges.
In the end these fundamentalist cannot deny science and factual evidence. Reason wins out in the end but at what cost and how long will it take? They are aware they need to convince followers of science and logic that they and not REAL science are in possession of the facts and that legitimate scientist are corrupted by secular humanist, socialist (No one really buys that pinko communist thing anymore), atheist and hippies on the west coast. They attempt to use the language and not the methodology of science to convince middle America that it is the scientist and secular folks with the agenda and not themselves.
I find it ironic that they have to use perversions of science in their efforts. This is because their own proclamations of truth and fact are false, unconvincing and ultimately sound silly when laid out for what they are.
The last thing I read this morning before my six month old daughter woke up and I had to switch over to diaper duty was about George Bush's vehement opposition to the congressional funding bill for Iraq.
In an article by Shailagh Murray and Jonathan Weisman of the Washington post it is reported that, as we all know, Bush will veto the bill as it stands if passed. This because of the inclusion of the "pork" legislation attached to the bill. Namely the deadline for the withdrawal of troops from the Vietnam like quagmire of Iraq.
Read the Full article here:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/03/28/AR2007032800157.html
In the article Bush is quoted as saying "the American people will know who to hold responsible" .Well duh. George Bush and his administration will be to blame for not passing the bill.
This all sounds to me to be an extremely childish stance to take. "Bleh, I,'m not letting any money to support the troops be authorized if you don't do the bill my way." Granted the argument could be made in reverse however it should be noted that the bill as presented better reflects the will of the people than the Bush administrations stance. The majority of people want both troop withdrawal and financial (as well as moral) support for our troops. This bill provides both. This all so typical of Bush and his boys.. Well the bill passed and now sits before the President I expect Bush will do as he has said he will and veto the bill in a juvenile tantrum of "cutting off ones nose to spite ones face"
That sums up my morning reading as of 6:38Am I am off to tend to Miss Poopy Pants and get on with my Day.
Labels: Creationism, Democrats, Drugs War on Drugs, Evolution, Intelligent Design, News, Republicans, Science
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Autostereogram or if you like Anaglyph
I found this on Phil Plaits Bad Astronomy Blog ( http://www.badastronomy.com/bablog/ )morning and it is REALY COOL. It's an autosterogram (I have also heard it called an anaglyph). Remember those three D "magic eye" illusions that were popular back in the early 90's? Well, this is an animated one. I can't get it to run on my sorry butt template here but here is a link to it: http://www.militantplatypus.com/blog/884/animated-stereogram/ on MILITANTPLATYPUS. If that link does not work try clicking on the title of this post, it should be linked to the correct page.
I never could see the old style magic eyes with out great effort and a headache but this one just popped off the screen for me. CHECK IT OUT.
I never could see the old style magic eyes with out great effort and a headache but this one just popped off the screen for me. CHECK IT OUT.
Labels: Anaglyph, Autostereogram, Blogs, Cool
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Are YOU a Terrorist?
In addition to the Washington Post article featured in my previous post I read this one as well by Post Staff Writer Ellen Nakashima:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/03/26/AR2007032602088.html
I found it much more alarming than the story on detainee David Hick principally because it strikes so much closer to home. The practice outlined in the article by Ms Nakashima out lines how American citizens are being profiled against a list of known and SUSPECTED terrorist (As well as those in the drug trade) by various private sector companies and being denied services based on the SIMULARITY of their names to names on the list issued by the Treasury Department.
If this does not highlight how close to living in a military police state we are I don't know what does.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/03/26/AR2007032602088.html
I found it much more alarming than the story on detainee David Hick principally because it strikes so much closer to home. The practice outlined in the article by Ms Nakashima out lines how American citizens are being profiled against a list of known and SUSPECTED terrorist (As well as those in the drug trade) by various private sector companies and being denied services based on the SIMULARITY of their names to names on the list issued by the Treasury Department.
If this does not highlight how close to living in a military police state we are I don't know what does.
Labels: America, Emperialism, Patriot Act, Politics, Republicans, Terrorism, Terrosist, War on Terror
Guantanamo Follies
I read an article in The Washington Post by writer Josh White this morning over my early a.m. coffee (As opposed to my late a.m., early p.m. and late p.m. coffee..I like coffee what can I say?);
"Australian David M. Hicks pleaded guilty to one charge of material support for terrorism during a brief military hearing Monday night, becoming the first Guantanamo prisoner to officially accept criminal responsibility for aiding terrorists since the detention facility opened more than five years ago."
You can find the complete article here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/03/26/AR2007032602439.html?r
This is a significant event in the controversial five year history of the questionably unconstitutional detention facility (In my opinion as well as that of many much more qualified to say so there is no question, the center is decidedly unconstitutional), no news in that. I wonder what the consequences of this will be.
This plea is an apparent victory for the Bush administration and supporters of the actions taking place at Guantanamo Bay however there is no gloating just yet. Air Force Col. Morris Davis, the chief prosecutor under the new trial guidelines is quoted as saying "I don't look at it as a victory," then he is also he is also quoted as stating that he is "… satisfied where we stand at this moment."
I'm sure he is.
The Bush administrations have defended the Guantanamo facility form its start. The Bush administration has continued to do so even after congress found the original Military Commissions Act unconstitutional in 2006 and drew up new rules for the Act (Though controversy continues over the MCA). To not see this as a decisive victory is definitely an exercise in understatement. I suspect their motives for such subtlety are founded in not yelling BINGO before the final number is called. There is still a great deal of undecided business going on here not to mention that David M. Hicks (The detainee i.e.; prisoner) has not yet been found guilty though I have no doubt that he will. A decision on the matter is expected in about a week. See how quickly you can expedite a trial if you suspend civil liberties and the constitutional rule of law. Hick's is facing a likely 20 year sentence in his native Australia where he will be transferred to serve his sentence. How THAT works I don't know…whose laws apply here? U.S.? Australian ? International? None? The answer seems to be the U.S. military's. Funny, I didn't know we were under martial law.
A note about Hicks's defense team. "The presiding officer ruled that his two civilian attorneys were not qualified to represent him in court, in part because one refused to sign a form he felt would compromise his ethical responsibilities." On can also presume that they were also not qualified in the eyes of the Commission because the Commission had NOT selected them. Besides we can't have ethics in a military "Court" now can we.
Both lawyers, Rebecca Snyder and Joshua Dratel, "separately stormed out of the courtroom." According to Josh Whites Washington Post article.
In summary I have to say I wonder just how valid this confession is. Facing a 20-year sentence and already having been jailed (Yes, I know…"detained") for 5 years I might just plead guilty to almost anything just to get the whole thing over with. This is especially true if I was convinced that I didn't have a snowflakes chance in hell of being found not guilty.
Labels: Constitution, Emperialism, George Bush, Guntanamo, Military Commissions Act of 2006, News, Politics, Republicans, Unconstitutional
Sunday, March 25, 2007
SETI Discovery
In my endless and often mindless searching I came across this news item on the skeptico blog (A pro science/logic blog dedicated to debunking BullDoug [I've been waiting to apply that term for about two weeks..bleh Doug...whoever says I am not mature is a poop head]). Which posted a story originaly found on the James Randi Educational Foundation web site. I have not verified the sources beyond checking out the feed on the JREF site just yet but I will do so in the morning. I am simply to tired and lazy to do so right now however considering that it made it onto the James Randis website I feel pretty secure in that it will check out.
Any way for those of you who have your doubts about the SETI@Home prodject and prehapes even doubt that the prodject will ever find anything well here’s a reason to run http://setiathome.berkeley.edu/ on your laptop at least (Though now that I give it a brief second thought I do not see why this should not apply to your desktop as well any way. According to JREF it is reported that someone was able to retrieve their stolen laptop because of the SETI software running on it. When the stolen laptop called into SETI, the IP address of the thief was recorded on SETI’s servers:
"Melin monitored the SETI(at)home database to see if the stolen laptop would "talk" to the Berkeley servers. Indeed, the laptop checked in three times within a week, and Melin sent the IP addresses to the Minneapolis Police Department.
After a subpoena to a local Internet provider, police determined the real-world address where the stolen laptop was logging on. Within days, officers seized the computer and returned it."
Kudos to Skeptico @ http://skeptico.blogs.com/
The Chocolate Dog: Roswell Revisited Skeptical Link
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Rant Ramble and Repeat, Washington part 1: Hoquiam
Warning! This post contains adult language, childish attitudes and poor community spirit.
Rant, Ramble and Repeat
Washington part I: Hoquiam
By: Saint Tuesday
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."
Hunter S. Thompson
Earth. North West America. 5:45 am Pacific Standard Time. Friday, April 22, 2005. Washington State, Grays Harbor, just west of Hells asshole (Aberdeen). Light showers and partly cloudy, local temperature 7 Celsius / 47 Fahrenheit. Wind out the North West at 5Kph.
The partly cloudy skies came as welcome change from the daily rain that I have typically come to expect since I moved here six months ago from Athens, Georgia. The local forecast even goes so far as to predict an unfiltered view of the Sun, this might include a glance of blue sky as well. If our metrological luck holds out we might have a few more days like this before the rainy season gives way too the drizzly season. It is fortunate that I have developed an ambivalent attitude to living in temperate rainforest ecology.
This is Hoquiam, a port town buried in the crotch of Grays Harbor Washington. Hoquiam is a small town. The population of this community, according to a google search, is estimated to be roughly 8,500. It is my opinion this statistic must include the occupants of The Sunset Hillside Cemetery. Hoquiam is not a small town it’s Lilliputian. The population in my adopted home of Athens is 100,266. I am perplexed by the fact that both settlements are classified as "small towns". Surely, this is some kind of clerical error. No rational system of classification could possibly be this broad. It is evidence of either villainous apathy or unchecked insanity at work someplace, somewhere. I blame the Republicans. Why not? Fuck’em.
Ultimately it’s irrelevant to me what label is used. Shit pie, is shit pie. Call it chocolate cake if that makes it easier for you to swallow.
I am not a small town personality. I loath the suburbs. I am an urbanite. Deliver me into the Babylon of glass steel and stone of the city. That is where I will call Home. Athens may have been called a small town by some standards but I found it wasn’t. Athens is not like San Francisco, where I lived after the college experience or Atlanta where I went school. Athens is different. It has a unique personality, maybe it is due to its Music scene and coffee culture. It might be the University or maybe the diversity of ideas and people you find there. I miss the times when frustrated and bored at 3am, I would wonder down town to fume over a cup of unsophisticated coffee. Whatever factors give it the unique personality it has I find its flavor suited me. I miss even in the times I have been in more worldly and exciting places. Even so it as small a town as I ever care to live in.
Comforts and conveniences I have become accustomed to are unavailable in this place. The overall impression I get is that of a retirement community. There are no bookstores, coffee houses, theaters, nightclubs or any equivalent places. I used to curse corporate mega stores like Borders but these days I would sell a testicle for such a luxury.
Here in Hoquiam they shut off the traffic lights at 10pm for fucks sake. Friday night bingo is a huge event on the local calendar. The local papers motto should be "Yesterdays News Tomorrow". It is an isolated town in an isolated region of an increasingly isolated nation.
The culture and comforts of this place is not the only thing I find lacking. The more significant arena of the economy is of concern. I do not make enough money from my creative efforts to make a living. I still need to work a "traditional" job to get by so the job market where I live is as important a consideration to me as the coffee culture and nightlife. One has too eat after all. With that in mind consider this; the economy of this region is not well. In fact, it seems to have crawled off some time ago to die. If one is not a lumberjack, fisherman or land baron/slum lord, you’re fucked.
Look to the anemic heart of downtown Hoquiam and that’s where you will find me as I open this narrative.
It was the ill-defined hour between midnight and the time when drunks crawl home. Officially, morning but light hasn’t show up for work yet. The world was quietly awaiting the transition from dark to day. Folks were getting ready for work, school, watching television all day and whatever things normal people get up too in their daily routines. Our household made its preparation for the morning in its own way.
I lay mindlessly in the bedroom that my fiancée, Shanzi, and I share taking in my surroundings. The soft glow from the two star shaped luminary lamps are the exclusive source of illumination at the moment. Their amber light crept about the room like a nervous burglar trying not to disturb the occupant. The efforts of the luminaries were gentle but effective enough to reveal the features of the room. One should keep in mind however that there is not a lot to see in there. The room is decorated in a very Spartan manor that blends well with the lack of furnishings that account for its inventory. A futon bed, my reading chair, several stacks of books and a low table comprise the wealth of accommodations that the bedroom provides.
Most people are just waking up about now but this terminology did not apply to me, I had never gone to sleep. Even so, the term "awake" would not apply to me, not as most people would define it. I was in a state of barbarous non-sleep. My eyes were wide and vacant as they looked out into the world. I had not slept for a number of days at that time and it was beginning to show.
My mental state was not unlike Shamans who would use sleep depravation to induce visions. These mystic men would stay awake for days or even weeks until their state of mind became delusional and hallucinogenic. I had gone through many levels of activity over the past seventy-two or so odd hours. I was now in a more docile condition, a near comatose condition. I had stopped moving a few hours prior as I explored some of the more exotic aspects of my psyche. As the hours advanced I began to be aware of the world around me in a more tangible way than that of ancient mystics. Laying motionless in cerebral "stand by" had at this point lost its appeal to me. Shaman ways or no, I felt it might be prudent to keep with the traditional nine-five activity, as I needed to conduct business with the outside world today. The business community keeps absurd daytime hours so regardless of my questionable mental clarity it was time to rise and shine.
I looked to the clock for its wisdom. It provided no new information for me. I could not make out what the display read. My lack of sleep over the past few days and the poor eyesight my developing glaucoma provides rendered me practically blind. There were other factors affecting my perceptions inability to deliver usable information as well. I had also made a heroic contribution to my hazy state. Caffeine, apprehension, various chemicals and a bedeviled mind that simply refuses to ever shut down had all been factors as well. I had been taking various chemicals of questionable nature for several days at this point and my assumptions had become selectively accurate. Not having slept for several days, reality had taken on a surreal flavor. Despite this, I felt an update on what time it might be was in order. "Why not? Could be fun." I thought, besides it might provide me with the anchor to the world at large I most likely needed.
Looking to the table across the room once again in an attempt see what the clock had to say about status of the current hour I instead found myself engaged in a staring contest with an enormous squat toad with terrifying red eyes. The huge amphibian horror, which for reasons unclear to my mind was where my alarm radio should be, refused to tell me the time.
"Stubborn cold blooded bastard, fuck you I have a watch!" I said aloud to the monster. "I don’t need you or your attitude" Realizing I was addressing a beast that could not possibly be there and also realizing I had no clue where my watch might be either. I took a deep un-refreshing breath and put on my glasses. The lumpy red-eyed abomination then slowly morphed into the more sensible shape of an Emerson timepiece.
5:45 flashed on analog screen that a moment before had been demonic eyes. I cataloged the information but it didn’t really mean much to me. My prolonged wakefulness had left me with a diminished ability to accurately gage the time but fortunately, it had also left me with a diminished capacity to give a damn as well. Cosmic dept is always paid in full one way or another.
I rose to a standing position in a triumph of millions of years of selective evolution but the subtle glory of the moment was lost on me. Some banshee of worry was beginning an assault on the condition of chemically educed and questionable pleasure I had established. There is always some killjoy at even the best parties and this specter of anxiety looked to be troublesome. Though vague now it obviously would not be ignored for long. Before I felt that I could deal with whatever trouble it might bring I had to prepare my psyche. In this, I would have to answer the call of a few of the addictions that provide me with what I require to get from sunrise to sunset, or as is more often the case in my life, sunset to sunrise.
The use of mood altering substances seemed a prudent method to develop a proper perspective. Tapping into my data bank of modern and ancient wisdom it suddenly became clear that perhaps a combination of stimulants and alcohol would be worth examining. Call this attitude a personal philosophical outlook my version of yoga. I do. "First drugs first" I always say and that means nicotine. Looking around the bedroom, I made an appraisal of everything immediately at hand. Not seeing my cigarettes my ambition then turned to what I should do next. My "stash" was under the table that hand been the home of the nonexistent toad earlier and I had noted its presence in my previous evaluation. Should I try to find my smokes or indulge in a handier stimulant before working on increasing my odds at developing cancer? This was the question before me. The drugs were right there before me but they were an extreme choice for the first indulgence of the day, even by my questionable standards. Tossing caution aside, I prepared a "bump" of cocaine to kick off the day. A deep inhale, numerous curses, and many odd dance gestures later the deed was done.
As the calming effects dangerous drugs bring took effect, my thoughts returned to the ghostly worry I mentioned earlier. This vexation looked to be problematic and could trigger one of my more serious mood swings. I should warn Shanzi of the possibly treacherous waters ahead. I have found that it is simply good business to give those that I love and care about warning when I realize that I’m about to take one of my turns. This helps head off any emotional wreckage before it happens. My failure in the past to do this has been the source of an endless parade of difficulties, broken friendships, arrest, hurt feeling and more burned bridges to count. Unfortunately, I do not always see them ahead of time or fail to anticipate their strength in time. In order to warn my beautiful fiancé I had to locate her first. Shanzi was probably downstairs on the computer. The kitchen where we keep the coffee supplies is also downstairs. My cigarettes might downstairs as well. Fate seemed to be calling me to the first floor. Answering fates call, I left the bedroom to find Shanzi and the other supplies necessary to my routine breakfast of multiple cups of coffee and cigarettes. (Popularly called "The beatnik breakfast")
Once downstairs I found Shanzi was indeed on the computer. She was feverishly collecting images of various vividly colored South American frogs off of Google for some sort of ill defined photo collage. There seemed to be an amphibian theme developing and I was concerned as to what that might mean.
Ribit.
Ignoring the recurrent amphibian imagery, I asked Shanzi if she had seen my Camels (My brand of choice in lung carcinogens). She had not. In my growing frustration, I forgot my intention to discuss the mood I felt approaching. Indeed the mood itself had stepped into the background. My nic-fit was tacking center stage and a smoking habit is a jealous mistress, she suffers no competition.
Leaving her to her entertainments, I engaged in a search for my pack of Camels I had clearly left…somewhere. A precursory glance about the den reveals nothing more than the fact that our local star was beginning to make its presence known.
Daybreak around here rarely falters in its efforts to depress the soul. I can think of few things that do not inspire the nobler aspects of man than the kind of lugubrious solar radiance we get around these parts. I know there must be locations on the globe more oppressive than the southern Washington Coast but as I am not there at this time I find their existence irrelevant. I am not in the right emotional location to count my blessings. I hope this sentiment will not affect my overall grade on my metaphysical karma scorecard.
I simply loathed the shifty glow of that fucked up morning. Its jaundice hue only served to accentuate the ugly nature of my scars and underscores of the abuse this body of mine has had to endure from my poor lifestyle choices. It is at this moment that I realize that insidious forces truly are aligning against me today. With a shrug, I decide to close the blinds and use the slightly more flattering radiance of household lighting to guide my steps for now.
After a brief and irritable discourse with one of the cats that cohabitate with us, I continue with my endeavors trying to remember where the Hell I left my cigarettes. I find myself in this routine often. Often enough to convince me that something is going on past simple absent-mindedness. Over the years that I have lent my support to the struggling American farmer by handing over a respectable cache of cash to the tobacco cartel a thought has formed itself to me. I am convinced that cigarettes have some concealed property engineered into their basic design that the general public is unaware of. I think that some kind of mechanism is integrated into cigarette packaging that causes them to spontaneously relocate when no one is watching. I know this sounds a bit far fetched but the clever boys slaving away in the research labs of the tobacco industry have come up with more than a few clever schemes to increase sales.
Yes, my speculation does have the flavor of a conspiracy theory but it’s certainly more reasonable than the alternatives. It is a near statistical impossibility that I have done something as mundane as to have misplaced or lost that many packs in my lifetime. My current theory is much more likely than any of my earlier pontifications on the phenomena, which include:
1) The possibility that Bigfoot was waging a deliberate campaign of harassment to avenge some past grievance I, or one of my ancestors, had committed against him or one of his kin.
2) A troll had taken up habitat somewhere in my dwelling and was supporting his nicotine addiction by stealing my cigarettes.
3) The cigarettes themselves were transcending to a higher plan of existence after achieving enlightenment. I have not utterly tossed this last one to the curb as just yet.
My search yields no results. An intense search of the den, living room, and kitchen yields nothing. It is hard not to believe that fate has it in for you at times like this. I fear I am becoming paranoid. As I cast my eye across the many places my smokes could be hiding my heart sinks. An overwhelming sensation that even the contents of our home are against me is almost unshakeable. I can almost hear the jeering of the clutter slowly claiming this property as its own. I spend the next ten minutes in a frantic renewed search while coming up with new ways to use some of the more vulgar words in my lexicon.
Despite finding about a dollar in change, a mysterious key, several cat toys and what looks suspiciously like the carburetor of a 1955 Chevrolet Bellair however the pack of Camels remained elusive. Accepting that no clear progress was being made I revaluated the order of my goals. It was about that time I also realized I was searching the same places over and over again. Clearly, this method was not going to get me anywhere.
Temporarily, I abandon my quest and redirect my actions to the easier job of making coffee. There too I am faced with defeat. It seems that we are out of the beloved bean. As it turns out this was untrue, the coffee can had simply been relocated to another location. Knowing this now does not affect that at that moment, in my mind, I believed the household was devoid of coffee. Not all was lost however. I noticed that there was still a substantial amount of liquid still in the pot and the maker was still on. "Ye Gods I am saved!" I exclaim to my audience in the kitchen. An audience that is made up of one cat who was more concerned about what I planned to do about the empty food bowl than about my personal needs. This discovery of the prepared coffee is a god send but also a mixed blessing. The batch had been made somewhere around 8pm the night before and was now old enough to vote. One can not allow things like this to get in the way of your objectives and things being as they are I will take my victories where I can, especially the small ones. I pour a steaming cup of dark, lugubrious bean juice and grab a partially smoked cigarette from an ashtray I left there just for this kind of emergency. It will have to do for now.
I do some of my best thinking when I smoke but I also have a bad tendency to dwell on the negative. I also have a notorious reputation for not being able to let shit go. Today was an excellent example. It wasn’t looking good for me and I could feel my attitude slowly becoming increasingly nihilistic. I can’t shake the worry that is growing, unaddressed, in the back of my chemically addled mind.
Returning from my smoke break, I head for the bathroom where I discover my pack of missing cigarettes.
In this brief moment of ecstasy, I start thinking that during this strenuous time I am just taking every thing a little to bit too much to heart. Could it be time to lighten up on myself? I wonder if I should stop beating up on my already fragile emotional health and be a nicer to me for a little while. This kind of positive affirmation is not a natural pattern for my neural processes to follow. Thoughts like the previous ones have about the same chance as taking root in the architecture of my being as would sunflowers on the Moon. I was well aware that feeling would not be long lived but that did not prevent my ailing emotional self from trying to cling to the ghost of my moment in the Sun.
I never cease to do stupid, dumb ass shit like this. As I exit the bathroom, I continue with this behavior and say a whispered "thank you" to Heaven. See, I am helpless to stop the deluge of this breed of idiocy. My obliviousness to these infractions begins to transform into realization as I digest the events of the past fifteen minutes. My cerebral machinery, now in motion and fueled by the type of concentration you only get from drugs or when faced with a life threatening crisis, hits upon the revelation that I frequently seem to find God during one of two types of situations. It’s either when I seem to be the victim of a personal apocalypse, "Please God don’t let this happen to me, I’ll change…I promise", you know… the good old "no atheist in foxholes" principle. If not that, then it seems to occur during some embarrassingly trivial event like finding your lost keys or in this case lost cigarettes. If you were a Missionary would you really want either of those spiritual awakenings as the meat of you testimonial?
I could envision it a bit like this," You see I was lost, aimless and with out hope. I was in the darkest hour of my despair when I had nowhere left to turn for help. Then without warning, a miracle happened. A vision appeared before my weary and troubled eyes. It was an angel of the Lord and this he spoke on to me ‘Fear not oh, ye child of God. Know that your Father in Heaven loves you. You are special and esteemed in his holy eyes. Therefore, he has sent me, his divine servant, to deliver this messenger onto you so that you might believe. Look now in the dyer, for there in you will find the missing wallet for which you have sought these many long minutes. There too you will find $ 0.63 in lose change. Now go forth into the World and spread the word, Amen’. Therefore, you see dear sir/madam that is why I have come to you today. Open your heart and you will be saved." Yup, I just have to say, truly moving. Sarcasm aside it is at least better than what the Jehovah's witness's have to say.
Obviously, the chemical additive I had supplemented my motivations with earlier was still working and stepping up into in high gear as my somewhat erratic mind continued with this sudden deviation into theology. Why the fuck not? This could be a hoot. I decided to roll with it.
I continued laughing at my self for having said a prayer of thanks for locating my cigarettes. Although it’s pretty megalomaniacal thinking to believe that divine forces are so concerned with you contentment that they will manipulate the fabric of existence just to support your bad habits, this sort of subconscious belief is not uncommon. I know for a fact that I couldn’t be the only house-ape on this planet with such quirky, ascertains. I do try to be aware of these little dichotomies. I keep as accurate an inventory of this crap as possible. I believe it is a personal duty to be continually vigilant and cruelly honest with the all the ugly, silly and uncomfortable things inherent to my character. Some however tend to see this as just another manifestation of obsessive behavior. Well, they can go fuck themselves. Besides keeping track of my faults has the added benefit of beating anyone to the punch on any criticisms they might try to level at me.
Having located the AWOL Camels I decide to indulge in a now unnecessary but coveted second cigarette. Grabbing my coffee, I head back outside.
Once there they are sick insane birds making a symphony of noise. It's a delightful collection of dinosaur descendents consisting of a crow, two pigeons and numerous seagulls…bird trash. We live next door to a bird sanctuary but here in Grays Harbor that is the equivalent of an avian trailer park. They sling their insults at me from the safety of the surrounding nature. I decide to ignore their pointless cackles for the moment and turn my attention to the mild distractions at hand. Although my coffee greets me with a taste as bitter as rejection, it is better than having none at all.
Hurrah.
I take a deep drag off my cigarette that to me is as refreshing as the vision of a Swiss Maid in push-up lederhosen with a glass of whiskey. I finally start to address the worry nagging my soul.
I had taken a drug test earlier in the week and I simply had to pass. Most of the time this it not the sort of thing I would give a flying pile of rabbit turds about. Any other time in my life a drug test would be a non-issue for me. I would have simply refused to subject my self to such a thing. In my view, these things are a personal violation of our basic rights in this land. I quit a job because of one a few years back despite the fact I had nothing harder than Beringer’s Merlot polluting my veins. What people do behind closed doors remains the business of those who do them and not that of anyone else. If it doesn’t happen at work it is not the business of employers to regulate. Period. The self righteous Nazi S.O.B’s who want to stick their nosy frigging heads up private citizens ass’s and take a look around so that they can take inventory and make condemnations are either trying to live their lives vicariously or they have too much energy and time on their hands.
Perhaps they should spend less time goose-stepping about their neighborhoods peeking in folk’s windows and more time masturbating. It’s seems to do the trick for me.
This time I had a huge stake in the outcome of said test. I have been unemployed here for over four months now and my situation has reached critical mass. Financial resources are low and basic needs (Food booze, cigarettes, girly magazines etc…) are beginning to run low. This is like life during wartime (Yes, I know that technically we are at war, give me some room for creative license, jeeze.)
I was desperate. Having so much riding on this job opportunity, I had no real choice but to submit to this indignity. Since graduation from college, I have worked in the service industry. I, like so many others, choose a line of study I liked over options that are more utilitarian. My degree is in Art History. My education has never been a breadwinner for me. I have always had to look outside the world of art for the practical needs of life. My best friend Mike, a philosophy major who now works as a bookstore manager, observed we had chosen majors in unemployment. That is a funny sentiment over a few beers at Hooters, sad in maturities 20/20 retro-vision.
That said, I am a professional chef with experience in all aspects of this field of work. Among the many things I have done to earn money, this type of labor is the most rewarding I have found. Trust me on this. I have tried many professions over the years. I have found employment in warehouses, customer service slots and even in construction work. I have also earned a living as a librarian, caricaturist (A truly degrading trade by the way), and as a private tutor. Once, I was even employed in the corporate world as an unlicensed accountant for a few years! In the end, it was a hospitality career that I chose to follow in earnest. It allows me the opportunity of actively chasing after my dreams. Well, sort of.
Being a Chef feels a creative enough pursuit to satisfy the artist urges that rule me. The fact that my mother considered it a respectable job also is a bonus. Moreover, I just like the class of people you meet in this line of work. They are my people. Every actor and artist or writer I have ever known has actually been a waiter/waitress, cook or the like if your assessment of them is based on what is written on their tax forms. Besides, I like my Chefs Hat.
More to the point, I needed work. I have never had a problem finding it before moving here. True, I have had to take many a crap job just to pay the bills. I am not above doing that. This was no piece of crap job however, but a damn good opportunity. It was a professional position with a beach side resort. The Resort is the ironic sort of establishment run by a Native American Indian tribe that derives its profit from the same imperialist minded crackers that once raped same said tribe. America is a weird place.
The job offered excellent pay, a title and respectable benefits (Rare in the service industry). I was offered the job and was looking forward to my first day when I was informed of the Urine Analysis (U.A.) test requirement. It took me by surprise. I was trapped. I had spent months trying to find work of any kind much less good work. I essentially had nothing to lose. The die was cast.
Keep in mind I am not a drug fiend. I do indulge in illegal activities from time to time. That is a topic for another time.
I had to take the drug test and I had good cause to be concerned about my results. Doing shit loads of cocaine plus a very small amount of weed is not the most strategically brilliant tactic for passing a U.A. test.
I did what damage control as was possible under the tight time line I had to work with. I had a little less than 72 hours to drink as much water as the human body can tolerate without becoming declared an official reservoir. I subjected my system to all the traditional "grass" roots remedies from drinking vinegar to vitamin B intake. I suspect that vinegar would not be actually so terrible mixed with low grade vodka but I have no experimental data to base this on. I also tried some other stranger ones. Niacin for example. Did you know large amounts of niacin will give you the sensation of being on fire? It will also make you itch like a Claremont Lounge strippers genitals. In the end there is only so much one can accomplish with limited resources. You can brush the meat off your teeth but the smell of the blood and rot is still going to be creeping out of your gullet for some time after all the visible evidence has been dealt with. I had done all I could, short of not actually taking any illegal drugs. It was too late for that option anyway.
On the other hand, I do my best work in the 11th hour and I have always managed to come out smelling like a rose when I should have in fact had my ass handed to me on a platter. Hope was not lost. Yeah, I know that sort of attitude is akin to taking a knife to a gunfight under the belief that because no ones ever shot you before they will fail to do so presently. Story of my life…besides it’s a shitty metaphor anyway. I am incompetent with knives and I hate guns.
I took the test. That was two days before this sorry morning. Waiting, worrying, and not sleeping, not to mention, "Tweaking" as it is termed here on the counter culture side of the fence. The trauma of the drug test had not affected my indulgent ways. It had actually encouraged and accelerated my habitual curiosities.
Hey, you take your medicines and I’ll take mine. You can say what you will about the negative side of illegal drugs but the ones I have indulged in from time to time were nowhere as bad as the terrifying affects of the medications my doctors put me on after an attempted suicide years prior.
My day was not panning out in a good way for me. No news as far as the drug test results was concerned. I was viciously awake, uncomfortably sober, and extremely stressed. So far finding my cigarettes was my only success.
I had a headache that while not yet operating at gothic proportions was showing the potential for impressive exponential growth in the future. My self-esteem was under siege from some shadowy demon from my superego and causing some serious problems with my belief system. This all culminated in a real bitch of mode. Let me make it clear that I can conjure up some very complex and nasty moods from the depths of my metaphorical Hell. They refuse to be categorized by terms such as bad, good, introspective or any other broadly descriptive labels. They are a highly evolved, intensively cultivated, resourceful, unrelenting and a merciless breed of monster. My moods will not subject themselves to any form of cure they simply must be allowed to run there course. Given time, they will eventually become bored and lose interest. The best policy when dealing with them is to batten down the hatches, trim the sails, and prepare to ride out the storm. In short, they are motherfuckers. The one that had raised its diabolic head was particularly malodorous.
Hang on to your nuts boys this one a doozie.
I took another drag off my cigarette. I then turned my gaze skyward in an exaggerated theatrical move and decided to turn my fear into the more productive emotion of loathing for my environment and circumstances. It’s what my beloved Granny called a pity party. I have them all the time and they are the egos equivalent of The Governors Ball. I really do feel sorry for myself in a truly elegant way. I can think of no one I know who wear this sort of moron martyrdom as well as I do.
Not really wanting to turn an eye to my own faults just yet I continue with my ongoing criticism of the dreary town I now dwell in. Deserved or not it’s my black hearted rant and I will direct it where I please.
Hoquiam’s citizens are now rising to go to their meaningless jobs (Lucky bastards). In cars ravaged either by moist salty air or in a Thorazine shuffle along the sidewalks of the neighborhoods. They annoy me regardless of their transportation choices.
I find the noxious belching of the automobile as grating as the dopy glare of the pedestrians who pass by our tiny (5’ x 10’) unadorned and unattended lawn to deposit their litter upon our property. Perhaps it was a little early for such slick cynicism but it kept my mind off the problem at had. Well at least for a few minutes anyway.
I sigh and finish my smoke. I just can’t out run my worry today. The feeling my anxiety stirs in me is allegorically like the smell of boiled urine and the fact that I brewed this obscene soup myself makes it all the worse. Shouting the rudest words I know at the heavens I turn and retreat inside to see what can be done about this fortress of shit I built for my self.
From the kitchen where I have found the missing coffee I hear the phone ring. It's now almost seven o'clock and I am wondering what kind of sick bastard would call at this hour. A sick bastard with the results of my drug test that's who! With speed that even Jesse Owens would find difficult to match I rush to answer the telephone.
Beyond all reasonable possibility I have passed and they want to know when I can start! It's a miracle! Grant you a sort of twisted, deviant miracle but one none the less. There is no way I should have passed that test, I certainly never studied (sorry). This event goes well beyond the recovery of my delinquent smokes or the left over and miss placed coffee. This smacks of the divine and gives me pause for thought in my profane ways. I remain firmly atheistic but despite this I say a genuine and sincere prayer of thanks just in case. I also decide that perhaps giving up the illegal drugs might be a good idea and not just for sissies so I decide to give it a go, at least for the time present. That might be a way to say thanks to the universe at large/god (?) and method to avoid this kind of stress in the future.
I inform the caller that "Monday next would be ideal" and she expresses to me that Monday would be just fine.
Woo Hoo! As Homer Simpson might say.
In celebration of the good news and my elevated mood, not to mention the absence of any fiendish toads, I brew up a fresh pot of coffee (Seattle's Best), relent to the chorus of mews from my cats and fill their bowls. The amazingly beautiful smell of coffee fills the room. Right now the world and even Hoquiam do not seem so overwhelming and intolerable. I pour up my first cup add my steamed milk and reach for my camels I tossed onto the counter when I came in, I'm gonna smoke INSIDE!
My life has a pattern however and as I said earlier the karmic balance will be maintained. You see while my lighter was just where it should be according to the rules of orthodox physics, the camels however were not.
Labels: Drugs, Hoquiam, Humor, Rant Ramble and Repeat, Washington State
Friday, March 23, 2007
Democratic Mandate and The Republican decline...maybe
According to the LA Times:
The survey, by the nonpartisan Pew Research Center for People and the Press, found a "dramatic shift" in political party identification since 2002, when Republicans and Democrats were at rough parity. Now, half of those surveyed identified with or leaned toward Democrats, while only 35% aligned with Republicans.
What's more, the survey found the public attitudes are drifting toward Democrats' values: Support for government aid to the disadvantaged has grown since the mid-1990s, skepticism about the use of military force has increased and support for traditional family values has edged down.
You can see the full poll here: Full poll HERE (pdf).
Well, that's all fine and good but keep in mind the reliability of polls.
The question at hand here is "Will the Democrats see this as an opportunity to lead or follow?" And it's not exactly as simple as what you might think. In other words, will they see this as having happened despite them or because of them? If they're smart, they'll see this as a HUGE MESSAGE… wink wink nudge nudge, nods as good as a wink to a blind bat eh… telling them to follow the people and move that danged center progressive-ward where that most feared of political beast resides, The Moderate (IE; Zell Miller or John McCain).
The Democrats have a history of ostracizing their constituency by taking things beyond the mandate of the voters. Don't get me wrong, in most political matters I am pretty liberal however I am not an idiot and know that if the Democrats go to far they will most certainly lose the steam they are currently building. Only by reasonably following the will of the people and not that of those on the extreme right or left can the Democrats succeed. It doesn't hurt that the GOP has apparently gone senile and the White House is occupied by a bunch of Keystone Nazis but the Democrats shouldn't get to comfortable, it ain't over till the fat lady sings and I don't see Barbara Bush anywhere near the stage yet.
The survey, by the nonpartisan Pew Research Center for People and the Press, found a "dramatic shift" in political party identification since 2002, when Republicans and Democrats were at rough parity. Now, half of those surveyed identified with or leaned toward Democrats, while only 35% aligned with Republicans.
What's more, the survey found the public attitudes are drifting toward Democrats' values: Support for government aid to the disadvantaged has grown since the mid-1990s, skepticism about the use of military force has increased and support for traditional family values has edged down.
You can see the full poll here: Full poll HERE (pdf).
Well, that's all fine and good but keep in mind the reliability of polls.
The question at hand here is "Will the Democrats see this as an opportunity to lead or follow?" And it's not exactly as simple as what you might think. In other words, will they see this as having happened despite them or because of them? If they're smart, they'll see this as a HUGE MESSAGE… wink wink nudge nudge, nods as good as a wink to a blind bat eh… telling them to follow the people and move that danged center progressive-ward where that most feared of political beast resides, The Moderate (IE; Zell Miller or John McCain).
The Democrats have a history of ostracizing their constituency by taking things beyond the mandate of the voters. Don't get me wrong, in most political matters I am pretty liberal however I am not an idiot and know that if the Democrats go to far they will most certainly lose the steam they are currently building. Only by reasonably following the will of the people and not that of those on the extreme right or left can the Democrats succeed. It doesn't hurt that the GOP has apparently gone senile and the White House is occupied by a bunch of Keystone Nazis but the Democrats shouldn't get to comfortable, it ain't over till the fat lady sings and I don't see Barbara Bush anywhere near the stage yet.
Labels: Democrats, Politics, Republicans
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Time Travel
TIME TRAVEL
It's a menace.
You know it, I know it. Your neighbors surely agree. We don't talk about it, but the issue is always there... lurking over us.
Why is time travel a bad thing, Saint Tuesday asked rhetorically? I'll tell you why. Just about every recorded instance of time travel in popular fiction either
directly results in catastrophic damage to the timeline, requiring immense effort and jumping-through-hoops to even halfway-repair, OR
is ITSELF a direct result of some sort of catastrophic accident so gigantic that it can only be corrected by ALTERING HISTORY ITSELF.
Let's take a typical example.
One fine day in 2027, your hypothetical son, little Johnny X, stole Doctor Quantum's prototype Time Vespa to see what his ridiculously doyen parents were really like when they were young. He went back to 2007 and met you! Keeping his real identity a secret, he set you up with the unrealistically stunningly attractive babe or hunk you had always moped over but never had the nerve to ask out, and like a flash, you two were inexplicably married and having a kid.
Johnny returned to the future, his mission accomplished. Only problem was, time has been subtly altered by young Johnny's interference! You were going to get together anyway, but because of Johnny, you met at the bar instead of the disco, you got married on July 23rd instead of the 22nd, and nine months later your firstborn kid turned out to be a girl.
Since she was conceived on a different day, she was conceived with different sperm. She got a different set of DNA so of course she turned out to be a different person.
20 years later, kooky Doc quantum invented his Time Vespa, but young Jennie X had jazz band practice that evening. She never stole the Time Vespa and never went back in time.
But nevertheless, Johnny X arrived from the past, returning to the exact moment he left.
At which point he realized that, in 2007, history had been fundamentally altered by a guy who was never born.
And the universe realized this too, belched an unhappy error message, went to the blue screen of death and ceased to exist.
"So? Time travel hasn't been invented."
YET. By definition, time travel will have to be invented at every single point in history simultaneously. So if, at some point in the future, time travel will be invented, then the time travelers could - in fact, MUST - be here RIGHT NOW, observing, recording, taking part in, meddling with and generally screwing up history as we think we know it.
This is a real risk. This could happen at any second. It has ALWAYS been a risk and will be in perpetuity.
Unless we act "now".
Our mission
To preserve the integrity of the space-time continuum, I hereby petition the governments of the world to immediately enact laws banning the research and practice of time travel.
Status of this mission
Immediate success!
We first observe that the universe as we know it still exists.
Next, we see that there are no time travelers here in the present day.
From this, we surmise that nobody has traveled back to 2007 because nobody has ever invented time travel.
Finally, we conclude that nobody invented time travel due to the success of this campaign.
Thanks to everybody for your participation!
It's a menace.
You know it, I know it. Your neighbors surely agree. We don't talk about it, but the issue is always there... lurking over us.
Why is time travel a bad thing, Saint Tuesday asked rhetorically? I'll tell you why. Just about every recorded instance of time travel in popular fiction either
directly results in catastrophic damage to the timeline, requiring immense effort and jumping-through-hoops to even halfway-repair, OR
is ITSELF a direct result of some sort of catastrophic accident so gigantic that it can only be corrected by ALTERING HISTORY ITSELF.
Let's take a typical example.
One fine day in 2027, your hypothetical son, little Johnny X, stole Doctor Quantum's prototype Time Vespa to see what his ridiculously doyen parents were really like when they were young. He went back to 2007 and met you! Keeping his real identity a secret, he set you up with the unrealistically stunningly attractive babe or hunk you had always moped over but never had the nerve to ask out, and like a flash, you two were inexplicably married and having a kid.
Johnny returned to the future, his mission accomplished. Only problem was, time has been subtly altered by young Johnny's interference! You were going to get together anyway, but because of Johnny, you met at the bar instead of the disco, you got married on July 23rd instead of the 22nd, and nine months later your firstborn kid turned out to be a girl.
Since she was conceived on a different day, she was conceived with different sperm. She got a different set of DNA so of course she turned out to be a different person.
20 years later, kooky Doc quantum invented his Time Vespa, but young Jennie X had jazz band practice that evening. She never stole the Time Vespa and never went back in time.
But nevertheless, Johnny X arrived from the past, returning to the exact moment he left.
At which point he realized that, in 2007, history had been fundamentally altered by a guy who was never born.
And the universe realized this too, belched an unhappy error message, went to the blue screen of death and ceased to exist.
"So? Time travel hasn't been invented."
YET. By definition, time travel will have to be invented at every single point in history simultaneously. So if, at some point in the future, time travel will be invented, then the time travelers could - in fact, MUST - be here RIGHT NOW, observing, recording, taking part in, meddling with and generally screwing up history as we think we know it.
This is a real risk. This could happen at any second. It has ALWAYS been a risk and will be in perpetuity.
Unless we act "now".
Our mission
To preserve the integrity of the space-time continuum, I hereby petition the governments of the world to immediately enact laws banning the research and practice of time travel.
Status of this mission
Immediate success!
We first observe that the universe as we know it still exists.
Next, we see that there are no time travelers here in the present day.
From this, we surmise that nobody has traveled back to 2007 because nobody has ever invented time travel.
Finally, we conclude that nobody invented time travel due to the success of this campaign.
Thanks to everybody for your participation!
Labels: Humor, Time Travel
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Roswell Revisited
This originaly appeared on Rant Ramble and Repeat 3 and is one of my favorites.It was originaly entitled "U.F.O.s however that title just didn't seem to fit. The new one is better yet still lacking to my mind. If anyone has any ideas, I'm game. I have cleaned it up a little and put it through a re-edit but I still feel it needs a little more work. I just can't leave well enough alone.Please note this is a not a debunking/skeptical post, it's just humor. Folow this link to an excellent skeptical argument by one of my favorite bloggers, "Skeptico" .http://skeptico.blogs.com/skeptico/2005/02/seeing_is_fooli.html
UFOs, Space, The final frontier.
Right?
Well, maybe, but not in the way you might think.
My long time friend Mike and I share interest in amateur astronomy. That’s Astronomy folks not Astrology. Astronomy is a solid science and astrology is solidly looney-tunes. Please note the difference. I digress.
Mike and I consider ourselves to be decent amateur astronomers. We share a mutual interest in cosmology and science in general so I'm sure it comes as no shock that we have many discussions and debates on scientific subjects. However we do not always agree on all fields of speculation. One of our favorite ongoing debates revolves around extraterrestrial life.
Simply put, Mike holds it is likely and I do not. Neither Mike nor I believe in the UFO’s, Gazoo, Alf or the "Grays" the X-Files/Art bell lunatics carry on about. Rather our debate centers on the rarity or commonality of life in the universe in general. Everything from living things eeking out a living on thermal vents deep in some Europian ice capped sea to rouge RNA strands drifting though out the cosmic void on a comet. You know "guy stuff"…okay, I admit it we are geeks at heart.
We spend hours of friendly argument on the subject normally after many beers and post our Baseball vs. Hockey discussion. The debate continues to this day though he lives on the East Coast and I on the West Coast. Although not as often as it once did.
Some quotes from one of these debates are as follows (In spirit if not exactly):
In Douglasville Georgia the wave of Latin immigration finally arrived. People used to hating blacks and fags now had a whole new people to irrationally despise. Even in my own family "Mexicans" (although they were actually Colombians more often than not) were not spoken of kindly. At least in regards to their value as neighbors (As cheap labor they were generally welcome so long as they had an acceptable attitude). I have since discovered that those attitudes are not unique to the Deep South just new. They are prevalent everywhere in America. I suppose I was simply blind or ignorant of them earlier.
Why do Americans have such a negative attitude towards foreigners and foreign culture? Why are we here in the United States so reluctant to welcome anybody from the third world, or for that matter, anywhere outside of our national borders? Not even Canadians are safe these days so I don’t think visitors from Neferon 6 are going to fare so well either.I would ascribe it away to war time paranoia if it were not for the fact that it has been a prevalent attitude for almost as far back in our history as you care to look.
This is puzzling considering we are a nation of immigrants, outcast, and dissident rebels. Yet we tolerate no new members into our club. Indians, savages, faggots, dikes, gooks, kikes, trash, white niggers (Wiggers), sand-niggers, and now the ethnic classification dejour, spics ( all Hispanic and Latin people seem to be thrown into the kinder though equally ignorant category of "Mexicans") just to mention a few.
Variety in our own neighborhoods is a source of conflict and fear. How are we going to deal with a culture that developed independent of anything we would recognize from our "Earthly" cultures?What if they think eating their young is acceptable (For example) if said young died of natural causes? Or communicate with each other by smelling each others farts?
Planetary xenophobia aside, everyone in his or her own way seems to be looking forward to "First Contact". It seems like nowadays you can't throw a rock without hitting somebody who has some sort of UFO experience of one kind or another (Sorry Zach). Almost everyone seems to have an opinion about it. As life on this planet swirls in an ever-increasing speed down the toilet, I guess it is no wonder that we've become more and more fixated with this notion of life elsewhere.
To me it all sounds more like we are looking for an outlet of escape not an opportunity to broaden the culture horizons. In justification of my opinion about that speculation, take note that the UFO culture basically began in the 50s when we saw an astronomical increase in the number of UFO sightings. The 50’s were a time of fear and paranoia in our society. It has thrived ever since. Before 1947 there were next to no reports of UFOs unless you count the mysterious Unidentified Flying Airships of the late 19th century. Isn't it odd how the manifestations of UFOs follow cultural technological taste?
In 1947 a former military pilot reported an encounter with what he described as a craft of unknown appearance and properties. It was a mysterious almost supernatural experience as he described it. It also gave us one of the most powerful icons of the phenomena, the term "Flying Saucer" comes from his description of the mysterious vehicle's appearance.
Is it just a coincidence that everyone began to see flying saucers about the same time everyone began seeing Communists? I think not. World War II was over and we needed something new to fear. New enemies were needed to fuel our war economy and give us focus now that the old bad guys had been absolutely thrashed (The Nazis and Nips). It was time to confront the new "Enemy" (The Communist and more specifically, the Soviet Union). To do so openly and aggressively would mean absolute unilateral obliteration in a fission/fusion fiesta so we had to find some other way to vent our fears. As a society, we had switched from pre-WWII isolationist to a fearful and paranoid cold-war people.
Then in 1947, something crashed near Roswell, New Mexico. There was some confusion and incompetence involved and folks began to talk. Some believe that the "something" that crashed in that rural local was a weather balloon. Fools! This was the obvious theory of those willing to believe silly unlikely things. I’ll bet they are skeptical of Bigfoot and Santa Claus too! Others more logically claim it was an alien craft that crashed in Roswell. These people also claim four aliens were discovered among the debris at the sight. They further claim that the remains of said creatures and the flying saucer bits are being held in an Air Force installation 100 miles north of Las Vegas. This installation is of course the notorious Area 51.Some UFO-ologists insist that the four aliens accidentally crashed their own flying saucer. Other insists it was shot down by the U.S. air force.
Yeah, these scenarios seem likely.
These beings could build a craft that can travel millions of light years, dodging black holes, gamma ray burst, dark matter and stray TIE fighters. They could navigate this craft to the remote American dessert through the vast depths of the Cosmos, laughing at Einstein the whole trip. However, those New Mexico telephone poles can be pretty tricky to navigate after a few bottles of Venusian Vodka but at least they are slightly more benign than a prop driven air force p-51 Mustang fighter plane!
Then again it’s always the little things that bring about the fall of the mighty, ask Clinton about Monica if you doubt this theory. Guess that particular strained analogy would be better said" It’s always the Chubby, big breasted intern that bring about the fall of the mighty however .I don't mean anything negative about that. I personally think Monica was Hottie and was very disappointed that Playboy didn't give her a spread. After all they let that social barnacle Carney between their pages (Of course that was after she had 200 pounds cut out of her and had an additional 55 pounds of ego implanted).
I personally think two of the four aliens might have survived the wreck, escaped from Area 51 and made it to Vegas where they have been doing nine shows a week under the name Siegfried and Roy ever since. It seems more likely to me than Siegfried and Roy being of mere Earthly origins.
True believers say that Area 51 is definitely hiding something because if you go there, they won't let you in and they won't tell you what they have there.
I have some enlightening thoughts to share about that observation.
It's a fucking military installation! Do you think that if you go to Areas 1 through 50 you're going to get a Chardonnay and some Gouda? No, you're not! You're going to get turned away faster than Michael Moore trying to get backstage at Bushes State of the Union address.
Also, some believe that there is an authentic film of an autopsy on one of the Roswell aliens. This documentary was brought to the public eye in a well-known television special. Likely, by the same journalistic team that brought us the Al Capone’s vault debacle.
I saw this documentary when it aired on Fox. I believe it was sandwiched between a very special "Martin" and "Party of Five." I thought the autopsy was as about as authentic as a piece of total shit can be.
Now, in addition to the Area 51 freaks, there are those who legitimize the existence of aliens vis-à-vis the appearance of crop patterns that resemble the symbol that Prince used as his name in the wild old 90’s, etched onto various crop fields about greater "Boon-dockia". Boon-dockia is my country of origin by the way,I come frome the wine region there...get it?...Boones Farm wine? Ba-Dum.
All right, occasionally bizarre patterns can be seen if you and Billy Bob, the crop duster, fly over these fields. Some say they’re messages to humanity or landing markers for aliens; I say it's Uncle Joe with a gut full of grain alcohol and a Weedwacker.
It could also be those guys who came forward a few years back and said they did it. You know the same guys who went on to show how and why they did it, as they barely contained their laughter during their explanation.
Another core-ingredient of UFO studies is the abduction by aliens. Under hypnosis the abductees recollections all share the same characteristics; long stretches of time unaccounted for, strange bruises on the body, a suspicion of sexual violation. Is it just me or do most alien abduction tales sound amazingly like spring break stories? My buddy Scott from New Jersey tells similar stories that are not only more interesting but occasionally have photographic documentation to back up spotty memory.
Listen, I don’t mean to sound so cynical. It's a natural tendency to look skyward for the salvation and answers to our prayers. This is why we invented religions and God so long ago. I think people ascribe to religion in blind emotional need. It is said by some the answers within ourselves are to fighting sometimes, better to put the responsibility on a faceless entity.
UFO conventions are the purist-defining events of the UFO culture. They are unique experiences. They are a real paradise of emotional need and general psychosis. Not since the Pope and Cardinal O'Connor spoke to a symposium of nuns catered by the Amish has so little sexual experience been assembled in one place as these events that is unless we want to discuss Mikes dating history for the previous decade.
Only Star Trek conventions can rival them. It should also be noted that many of the same people attend both. Mike doesn’t, if he is to be believed, maybe he should. I could see him scoring with some emotionally scared "Deep Space Nine" babe.
Hey, look just because I do not buy into a belief in alien intelligence as these clowns present it, don’t think I believe in Earthly intelligence either. There is precious little evidence of that around as well. Honestly, I would be delighted to be proven wrong about space men. I'd be the first one to welcome aliens, because frankly, I'm running out of people to criticize on this planet.
I have a confession to make. Despite the barnacles of cynicism, which resolutely encrust my hull, I do believe that there is life other than ours somewhere other than Earth.
Hear that Mike? You win!
I just don't think they have been here! I don't know who they are or what they drive, but I can’t image that interstellar travel is as easy as a day trip to Ocean Shores, Washington.
Difficulties aside the question remains why would they stop here? To an extraterrestrial from a civilization millions of years more advanced than us, Planet Earth at best would be like the Vince Dooley rest stop along HWY 316. Chances are they stop off here every now and then to try to stretch their tiny, gray limbs, pick up a some beef jerky and take a leak out of one of their 29 penises.
However on the off-chance that there are super-advanced alien beings out there and they are as the X-files boobs have described them to be, I have a message for you, listen up.
"Gazoo of Epsilon-Six! When you do come here and abduct one of us, stay out of our asses! There's nothing in our asses that will help you and your dying planet! Life is tough enough without you ‘Proctonauts’ downing a couple cases of cheap beer and getting your moon rocks off checking on Jethro's exhaust pipe."
Oh yeah, one more thing. "We want Elvis Back, Take Paris Hilton instead." I think she may be one of yours anyway.
This is Christopher Stone, signing off; Star-Date: July 1, 2005.
UFOs, Space, The final frontier.
Right?
Well, maybe, but not in the way you might think.
My long time friend Mike and I share interest in amateur astronomy. That’s Astronomy folks not Astrology. Astronomy is a solid science and astrology is solidly looney-tunes. Please note the difference. I digress.
Mike and I consider ourselves to be decent amateur astronomers. We share a mutual interest in cosmology and science in general so I'm sure it comes as no shock that we have many discussions and debates on scientific subjects. However we do not always agree on all fields of speculation. One of our favorite ongoing debates revolves around extraterrestrial life.
Simply put, Mike holds it is likely and I do not. Neither Mike nor I believe in the UFO’s, Gazoo, Alf or the "Grays" the X-Files/Art bell lunatics carry on about. Rather our debate centers on the rarity or commonality of life in the universe in general. Everything from living things eeking out a living on thermal vents deep in some Europian ice capped sea to rouge RNA strands drifting though out the cosmic void on a comet. You know "guy stuff"…okay, I admit it we are geeks at heart.
We spend hours of friendly argument on the subject normally after many beers and post our Baseball vs. Hockey discussion. The debate continues to this day though he lives on the East Coast and I on the West Coast. Although not as often as it once did.
Some quotes from one of these debates are as follows (In spirit if not exactly):
"Mike your opinion only proves that you have the mind of a trilobite. You obviously spend too little time thinking and too much time watching Homosexual Trucker Porn." might be one of my closing statements in our ongoing debate.
"What, Chris? It’s hard to understand you with that penis in your mouth" could well be Mikes reply.
The attitude of our dialogues is academic even if the language is not.
Fascination with possible alien life is not limited to any one social circle; you will find it almost every culture on the planet. Scientist and common citizen alike are interested. It is however in American culture that you will find its heart. Here in America is where you will find its origin and drive.America where you will also find the some of the greatest fear directed toward alien cultures in the western world.
I find that to be a bit of a dichotomy. The same people who would welcome small green, gray or greenish-gray men’s arrival in dinner-ware shaped craft and embrace their wisdom are all to often the same people who cast the most venomous eye to the Mexican family that moved in across the street or the brown people of indeterminate origin who own the local white trash casino otherwise known as the convenience store. Yes, that was a run on sentence but that is irrelevant.
I had never really experienced this sort of racism in my travels until I settled back in my home state of Georgia. I was more familiar with common redneck anti-black sentiments common in the south (Though not an exclusively Southern bias by any measure) and the colloquial bigotry one finds in history books until that time in my life. The flavor of bigotry I was most familiar with was a social/economic/racial lines IE: They might be niggers but they are our niggers.
You see, I moved from San Francisco to the suburban Hell of the greater Atlanta metro area just prior the millennia scare a few years back before realizing what a remarkably stupid thing I had done and saw it full force in my face for the first time. I don't recall the kind of immigrant hate I saw in Georgia anywhere else I have lived and I have lived all over this country.
In Douglasville Georgia the wave of Latin immigration finally arrived. People used to hating blacks and fags now had a whole new people to irrationally despise. Even in my own family "Mexicans" (although they were actually Colombians more often than not) were not spoken of kindly. At least in regards to their value as neighbors (As cheap labor they were generally welcome so long as they had an acceptable attitude). I have since discovered that those attitudes are not unique to the Deep South just new. They are prevalent everywhere in America. I suppose I was simply blind or ignorant of them earlier.
Why do Americans have such a negative attitude towards foreigners and foreign culture? Why are we here in the United States so reluctant to welcome anybody from the third world, or for that matter, anywhere outside of our national borders? Not even Canadians are safe these days so I don’t think visitors from Neferon 6 are going to fare so well either.I would ascribe it away to war time paranoia if it were not for the fact that it has been a prevalent attitude for almost as far back in our history as you care to look.
This is puzzling considering we are a nation of immigrants, outcast, and dissident rebels. Yet we tolerate no new members into our club. Indians, savages, faggots, dikes, gooks, kikes, trash, white niggers (Wiggers), sand-niggers, and now the ethnic classification dejour, spics ( all Hispanic and Latin people seem to be thrown into the kinder though equally ignorant category of "Mexicans") just to mention a few.
All this xenophobia yet we are enamored of the idea of encountering people from another planet?This fascination with life elsewhere applies right across the board regardless of intellect or social standing. You find it in the enthusiastic eyes of astrophysicist, the amateur intellectual, the mystical-minded new age crowd, and the Billy Bobs of the world. I don’t think most of us understand what that might imply. We are nowhere near as open-minded as we like to think we are.Most Americans can’t handle variety within our own culture, Gay marriage being a fine example. Our historical dealings with Native Americans and civil rights are two others. I still know people in this enlighten part of the country, the Pacific North West, who still refer to the Asian-Americans at the local market as "gooks". In fact since moving here in 2004 I have found out that some of the greatest concentrations of Ayran Nation idiots reside up here.
Variety in our own neighborhoods is a source of conflict and fear. How are we going to deal with a culture that developed independent of anything we would recognize from our "Earthly" cultures?What if they think eating their young is acceptable (For example) if said young died of natural causes? Or communicate with each other by smelling each others farts?
Planetary xenophobia aside, everyone in his or her own way seems to be looking forward to "First Contact". It seems like nowadays you can't throw a rock without hitting somebody who has some sort of UFO experience of one kind or another (Sorry Zach). Almost everyone seems to have an opinion about it. As life on this planet swirls in an ever-increasing speed down the toilet, I guess it is no wonder that we've become more and more fixated with this notion of life elsewhere.
To me it all sounds more like we are looking for an outlet of escape not an opportunity to broaden the culture horizons. In justification of my opinion about that speculation, take note that the UFO culture basically began in the 50s when we saw an astronomical increase in the number of UFO sightings. The 50’s were a time of fear and paranoia in our society. It has thrived ever since. Before 1947 there were next to no reports of UFOs unless you count the mysterious Unidentified Flying Airships of the late 19th century. Isn't it odd how the manifestations of UFOs follow cultural technological taste?
In 1947 a former military pilot reported an encounter with what he described as a craft of unknown appearance and properties. It was a mysterious almost supernatural experience as he described it. It also gave us one of the most powerful icons of the phenomena, the term "Flying Saucer" comes from his description of the mysterious vehicle's appearance.
Is it just a coincidence that everyone began to see flying saucers about the same time everyone began seeing Communists? I think not. World War II was over and we needed something new to fear. New enemies were needed to fuel our war economy and give us focus now that the old bad guys had been absolutely thrashed (The Nazis and Nips). It was time to confront the new "Enemy" (The Communist and more specifically, the Soviet Union). To do so openly and aggressively would mean absolute unilateral obliteration in a fission/fusion fiesta so we had to find some other way to vent our fears. As a society, we had switched from pre-WWII isolationist to a fearful and paranoid cold-war people.
Then in 1947, something crashed near Roswell, New Mexico. There was some confusion and incompetence involved and folks began to talk. Some believe that the "something" that crashed in that rural local was a weather balloon. Fools! This was the obvious theory of those willing to believe silly unlikely things. I’ll bet they are skeptical of Bigfoot and Santa Claus too! Others more logically claim it was an alien craft that crashed in Roswell. These people also claim four aliens were discovered among the debris at the sight. They further claim that the remains of said creatures and the flying saucer bits are being held in an Air Force installation 100 miles north of Las Vegas. This installation is of course the notorious Area 51.Some UFO-ologists insist that the four aliens accidentally crashed their own flying saucer. Other insists it was shot down by the U.S. air force.
Yeah, these scenarios seem likely.
These beings could build a craft that can travel millions of light years, dodging black holes, gamma ray burst, dark matter and stray TIE fighters. They could navigate this craft to the remote American dessert through the vast depths of the Cosmos, laughing at Einstein the whole trip. However, those New Mexico telephone poles can be pretty tricky to navigate after a few bottles of Venusian Vodka but at least they are slightly more benign than a prop driven air force p-51 Mustang fighter plane!
Then again it’s always the little things that bring about the fall of the mighty, ask Clinton about Monica if you doubt this theory. Guess that particular strained analogy would be better said" It’s always the Chubby, big breasted intern that bring about the fall of the mighty however .I don't mean anything negative about that. I personally think Monica was Hottie and was very disappointed that Playboy didn't give her a spread. After all they let that social barnacle Carney between their pages (Of course that was after she had 200 pounds cut out of her and had an additional 55 pounds of ego implanted).
I personally think two of the four aliens might have survived the wreck, escaped from Area 51 and made it to Vegas where they have been doing nine shows a week under the name Siegfried and Roy ever since. It seems more likely to me than Siegfried and Roy being of mere Earthly origins.
True believers say that Area 51 is definitely hiding something because if you go there, they won't let you in and they won't tell you what they have there.
I have some enlightening thoughts to share about that observation.
It's a fucking military installation! Do you think that if you go to Areas 1 through 50 you're going to get a Chardonnay and some Gouda? No, you're not! You're going to get turned away faster than Michael Moore trying to get backstage at Bushes State of the Union address.
Also, some believe that there is an authentic film of an autopsy on one of the Roswell aliens. This documentary was brought to the public eye in a well-known television special. Likely, by the same journalistic team that brought us the Al Capone’s vault debacle.
I saw this documentary when it aired on Fox. I believe it was sandwiched between a very special "Martin" and "Party of Five." I thought the autopsy was as about as authentic as a piece of total shit can be.
Now, in addition to the Area 51 freaks, there are those who legitimize the existence of aliens vis-à-vis the appearance of crop patterns that resemble the symbol that Prince used as his name in the wild old 90’s, etched onto various crop fields about greater "Boon-dockia". Boon-dockia is my country of origin by the way,I come frome the wine region there...get it?...Boones Farm wine? Ba-Dum.
Anyway...
All right, occasionally bizarre patterns can be seen if you and Billy Bob, the crop duster, fly over these fields. Some say they’re messages to humanity or landing markers for aliens; I say it's Uncle Joe with a gut full of grain alcohol and a Weedwacker.
It could also be those guys who came forward a few years back and said they did it. You know the same guys who went on to show how and why they did it, as they barely contained their laughter during their explanation.
Another core-ingredient of UFO studies is the abduction by aliens. Under hypnosis the abductees recollections all share the same characteristics; long stretches of time unaccounted for, strange bruises on the body, a suspicion of sexual violation. Is it just me or do most alien abduction tales sound amazingly like spring break stories? My buddy Scott from New Jersey tells similar stories that are not only more interesting but occasionally have photographic documentation to back up spotty memory.
Listen, I don’t mean to sound so cynical. It's a natural tendency to look skyward for the salvation and answers to our prayers. This is why we invented religions and God so long ago. I think people ascribe to religion in blind emotional need. It is said by some the answers within ourselves are to fighting sometimes, better to put the responsibility on a faceless entity.
So too it is why people place faith in the flying saucer people. Just as good citizens go to their churches to worship invisible sky beings on Sundays so too do the lunatic fringe flock to the holy grounds of previous UFO activity and UFO conventions; in the hope that when the inevitable mass landing does happen the star gods who have replaced earthly imaginings, will first want to get in touch with the mentally unstable among us.
UFO conventions are the purist-defining events of the UFO culture. They are unique experiences. They are a real paradise of emotional need and general psychosis. Not since the Pope and Cardinal O'Connor spoke to a symposium of nuns catered by the Amish has so little sexual experience been assembled in one place as these events that is unless we want to discuss Mikes dating history for the previous decade.
Only Star Trek conventions can rival them. It should also be noted that many of the same people attend both. Mike doesn’t, if he is to be believed, maybe he should. I could see him scoring with some emotionally scared "Deep Space Nine" babe.
Hey, look just because I do not buy into a belief in alien intelligence as these clowns present it, don’t think I believe in Earthly intelligence either. There is precious little evidence of that around as well. Honestly, I would be delighted to be proven wrong about space men. I'd be the first one to welcome aliens, because frankly, I'm running out of people to criticize on this planet.
I have a confession to make. Despite the barnacles of cynicism, which resolutely encrust my hull, I do believe that there is life other than ours somewhere other than Earth.
Hear that Mike? You win!
I just don't think they have been here! I don't know who they are or what they drive, but I can’t image that interstellar travel is as easy as a day trip to Ocean Shores, Washington.
Difficulties aside the question remains why would they stop here? To an extraterrestrial from a civilization millions of years more advanced than us, Planet Earth at best would be like the Vince Dooley rest stop along HWY 316. Chances are they stop off here every now and then to try to stretch their tiny, gray limbs, pick up a some beef jerky and take a leak out of one of their 29 penises.
Chances are we are not a target destination.
However on the off-chance that there are super-advanced alien beings out there and they are as the X-files boobs have described them to be, I have a message for you, listen up.
"Gazoo of Epsilon-Six! When you do come here and abduct one of us, stay out of our asses! There's nothing in our asses that will help you and your dying planet! Life is tough enough without you ‘Proctonauts’ downing a couple cases of cheap beer and getting your moon rocks off checking on Jethro's exhaust pipe."
Oh yeah, one more thing. "We want Elvis Back, Take Paris Hilton instead." I think she may be one of yours anyway.
This is Christopher Stone, signing off; Star-Date: July 1, 2005.
Labels: Humor, paranormal, Rant Ramble and Repeat 3, U.F.O.
Monday, March 19, 2007
The Chocolate Dog, a pug of a different flavor
This blog is the scion to Rant Ramble and Repeat 3 and Scrambled Eggs and is a work in process. Thank You to all who have helped me along the way.
When I first started blogging I did so for a number of reasons. I wanted to express myself. I am certainly not alone in that. I wanted a testing ground for my writing. I wanted to document the various phases I go through in dealing with the fact that I am Bipolar. I wanted to sort through my emotional state in the aftermath of my catastrophic psychotic break and suicide attempt a number of years ago. I wanted to leave a visible footprint of who I am, what I think, what I like, of my creative endeavors (My artwork, essays, short stories, and occasional recipes.), my politics (Past and present), my view point and much more for my son Max. I wanted to reach out to the world in my own small, vain way.
I have a story to tell and honestly I am not sure how to tell it. It is far from clear and far from finished. As I stubble along with my scribbling here in cyber space I find little clues to that end. However the final edit has yet to arrive.
In the first blog I posted a fair amount of good work and healthy expressions but I also all to often went off the deep end as well. There were times I just let anger, grief, confusion, grudges, and venomous pride win the day. While I don't exactly regret those post (There were times when that sort of thing is damn funny) I do believe them to be bad form. When my history is written for Max, Daisy, Hailee, Ariel and Sierra I don't want bitterness to taint the flavor of the read. There is more to and of me than that. All that aside there is also the fact that I did a very poor job of editing and it shows and that as I said earlier is just bad form.
The successive evolved into something akin to a bipolar journal/exchange and merged together as my Scrabbled Eggs Blog. While I still maintain that blog it deviates from the original purpose of Rant Ramble and Repeat 3 and that brings us to The Chocolate Dog.
The Chocolate Dog was the name I first wanted to call my main blog but due to my inexperience in formatting html, xhtml, open source software etc… the blog ended up entitled as it was. R3 was in fact the title of a very lengthy essay/short story that I never actually posted, oh well. In reflection the title was appropriate. In it I do rant, ramble and repeat a great deal.
As I move ahead with this new stage I will not completely discard the old but rather keep it as a sort of "scratch pad" and also as place to go a little nuts when the need arises. I will also be reworking and moving a lot of the material there to this blog as so to keep some element of continuity.
The Chocolate Dog title itself has its origins in a cartoon strip I began in 2003. The Chocolate Dog was its mascot though she never appeared in any of them so far unless you count the header and side bar. I decided on that creation based on a event that occurred in 2003.You see my step sister B.J. has an annoying and gruesome pug. I say annoying because of the unceasing gurgling sounds that seem to emanate from its nasal cavities. I say gruesome because of its habitual poo eating and endless need to vomit. That aside, I was accused of breaking into my fathers house, drinking his liqueur, using his phone and sneaking to back of the house where I purportedly poured chocolate syrup on the nasty little dogs back as it gurgled and puked within the confines of its cage. In all fairness I did enter through Pops house through a window my sisters boyfriend kept unlocked for access, I did look for liqueur but failed to find any and I did use the phone. I did not pour chocolate on the dog.
The accusation was so ludicrous, surreal and full of nonsense that it seemed a perfect embodiment of my comic strip (Which is pretty silly). I have now expanded the vehicle to include my written word and journal.
Now that I've said all I will wrap it up. I look forward to proceeding with my on line adventures and I welcome any and all feed back: negative as well as positive. I can't wait to see where this road will take me.
I apologize for the length of this boring assembly of nouns, verbs, modifiers, adjectives and the like in reviewing this I am reminded of the Mark Twain quote…"I'm sorry this letter is so long. I didn't have the time to make it short." Well the Devil's in the edit.
Until next I write…
Saint Tuesday.
Labels: Pug, Rant Ramble and Repeat 3, Saint Tuesday, The Chocolate Dog, Writing
About me
- I'm Saint Tuesday
- From Elberton, Georgia, United States
- Crabby and clever. I am both kind and crunchy. Though many think John was the Walrus in truth it was Paul, me? I am the Grey Mouse.
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