Friday, June 15, 2007
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Changes
"Turn to face the strange..." David Bowie
Changes.
I wonder about changes all the time. I have almost stopped wondering about the why but the consequences are still relevant.
During the time of my divorce and subsequent mental breakdown I often wondered why all this was happening to me and what the end result would be. I am still not to the point where I can see what the ultimate result is but then again I never will be as all those events are simply part of life as whole and are dangerous to look at in isolation.
I fell from a very high point in my life (generally speaking) to an almost life ending low.
I attempted suicide (on a two occasions), I mutilated myself, I destroyed (or allowed to be destroyed) almost every important relationship in my life, I lost my son, I lost my family, I lost LITERALLY every physical possession I could call my own, I lost numerous homes, I lost several jobs, I lost my sanity, I lost my favorite pair of glasses, I lost my fishing rods, I lost my best friend (some friend), and I lost a huge chunk of my reputation and dignity.
Over the past few years I have struggled to rebuild a life destroyed. So many times I asked why me? What did I do to deserve this? How could people I loved be so cruel and cold? Well, the answer to that is simply; Things happen for basically no reason (no reason that makes any kind of sense or is relevant in any sort of way).
While I sat (or more appropriately…squirmed) and watched my life fall to pieces I tried to see where my life would be in the future and what good could come from such ills. Nothing was apparent. As (my soon to be ex) in-laws waged a vicious class war on me and made wildly inacurate and unjustified acusations. And as my father said little (AND DID NOTHING)about the chaos enveloping me I could see only a nightmare full of sorrow before me. No tomorrow.
I was correct in the prediction of a hellish tomorrow. I lost every thing. I went to jail and then found myself homeless and on the street for a short time. I also found myself hopeless. I could see nothing further ahead of me than where I would spend the night or where my next meal would come from. Things were bleak. I could see nothing but destruction coming from the combination of hard luck and hard love (from what I can almost call my family).However…
Good did result...who would have ever thunk it.
I took more than one good hard look at myself and came to more revelations than I care to completely list here. However in as short as I am capable of right now, here are most of the over all results:
1.I saw a slice of life I had never witnessed before and developed a soft side for people few others think about.
2.I moved away from a semi-conservative center to a more liberally (morally) based center. I discovered the person I used to be , decided I liked him better than who I was and found a state of peace within.
3.I found multiple facets of myself I was previously unaware of…in a good way.
4.I discarded the nonsense of religion and myth and found a better way that made more sense.
5. I became me.
Ultimately what happened was I became a better person because of hardship and continue to do so. I volunteer for good causes, I work on my mental health and I constantly strive to achieve to be more than who I am. I have a lot of sins to pay for and I have paid for sins I never commited.
In the end good came of bad and well that CAN BE THE WAY OF THE WORLD. We don't need god, karma, spiritual harmony or those crystals they sell at pretty much any event with the word "festival" in it's name.
Changes.
I wonder about changes all the time. I have almost stopped wondering about the why but the consequences are still relevant.
During the time of my divorce and subsequent mental breakdown I often wondered why all this was happening to me and what the end result would be. I am still not to the point where I can see what the ultimate result is but then again I never will be as all those events are simply part of life as whole and are dangerous to look at in isolation.
I fell from a very high point in my life (generally speaking) to an almost life ending low.
I attempted suicide (on a two occasions), I mutilated myself, I destroyed (or allowed to be destroyed) almost every important relationship in my life, I lost my son, I lost my family, I lost LITERALLY every physical possession I could call my own, I lost numerous homes, I lost several jobs, I lost my sanity, I lost my favorite pair of glasses, I lost my fishing rods, I lost my best friend (some friend), and I lost a huge chunk of my reputation and dignity.
Over the past few years I have struggled to rebuild a life destroyed. So many times I asked why me? What did I do to deserve this? How could people I loved be so cruel and cold? Well, the answer to that is simply; Things happen for basically no reason (no reason that makes any kind of sense or is relevant in any sort of way).
While I sat (or more appropriately…squirmed) and watched my life fall to pieces I tried to see where my life would be in the future and what good could come from such ills. Nothing was apparent. As (my soon to be ex) in-laws waged a vicious class war on me and made wildly inacurate and unjustified acusations. And as my father said little (AND DID NOTHING)about the chaos enveloping me I could see only a nightmare full of sorrow before me. No tomorrow.
I was correct in the prediction of a hellish tomorrow. I lost every thing. I went to jail and then found myself homeless and on the street for a short time. I also found myself hopeless. I could see nothing further ahead of me than where I would spend the night or where my next meal would come from. Things were bleak. I could see nothing but destruction coming from the combination of hard luck and hard love (from what I can almost call my family).However…
Good did result...who would have ever thunk it.
I took more than one good hard look at myself and came to more revelations than I care to completely list here. However in as short as I am capable of right now, here are most of the over all results:
1.I saw a slice of life I had never witnessed before and developed a soft side for people few others think about.
2.I moved away from a semi-conservative center to a more liberally (morally) based center. I discovered the person I used to be , decided I liked him better than who I was and found a state of peace within.
3.I found multiple facets of myself I was previously unaware of…in a good way.
4.I discarded the nonsense of religion and myth and found a better way that made more sense.
5. I became me.
Ultimately what happened was I became a better person because of hardship and continue to do so. I volunteer for good causes, I work on my mental health and I constantly strive to achieve to be more than who I am. I have a lot of sins to pay for and I have paid for sins I never commited.
In the end good came of bad and well that CAN BE THE WAY OF THE WORLD. We don't need god, karma, spiritual harmony or those crystals they sell at pretty much any event with the word "festival" in it's name.
About me
- I'm Saint Tuesday
- From Elberton, Georgia, United States
- Crabby and clever. I am both kind and crunchy. Though many think John was the Walrus in truth it was Paul, me? I am the Grey Mouse.
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