Time Travel
TIME TRAVEL
It's a menace.
You know it, I know it. Your neighbors surely agree. We don't talk about it, but the issue is always there... lurking over us.
Why is time travel a bad thing you ask Saint Tuesday? I'll tell you why. Because just about every recorded instance of time travel we know of either
directly results in catastrophic damage to the time-line, requiring immense effort and jumping-through-the-hoops antics to even halfway-repair the damage, OR time-travel
is ITSELF a direct result of some sort of catastrophic accident so gigantic that it can only be corrected by ALTERING HISTORY ITSELF.
Let's take a typical example.
One fine day in 2027, your hypothetical son, little Max X, stole Doctor Quantum's prototype Time Vespa to see what his ridiculously doyen parents were really like when they were young. He travels back to 2007 and meets you! Keeping his real identity a secret, he set you up with the unrealistically stunningly attractive babe or hunk you had always mopped over but never had the nerve to ask out, and like a flash, you two were inexplicably married and having a kid.
Max returns to the future, his mission accomplished. Only problem is, time has been subtly altered by young Max's interference! You were going to get together anyway, but because of Max, you and your spouse met at the bar instead of the disco, you got married on July 23rd instead of the 22nd, and nine months later your firstborn kid turned out to be a girl.
Since she was conceived on a different day, she was conceived with different sperm. She got a different set of DNA so of course she turned out to be a different person.
20 years later, kooky Doc quantum invented his Time Vespa, but young Jennie X had jazz band practice that evening. She never stole the Time Vespa and never went back in time.
But nevertheless, time hoping Max X arrived from the past, returning to the exact moment he left.
At which point he realized that, in 2007, history had been fundamentally altered by a guy who as a result of his efforts was never born.
And the universe realized this too, belched an unhappy error message, went to the blue screen of death and ceased to exist.
Since the universe never came into existence it follows to reason that Time travel would have never been invented. So Max could never steal a machine that like the Universe never came into being. Now follow closely, since the time travel never existed Max could never have stole it to alter time and there fore the universe could never have been destroyed ...and only gets worse from there....
YET. By definition, time travel will have to be invented at every single point in history simultaneously. So if, at some point in the future, time travel will be invented, then the time travelers could - in fact, MUST - be here RIGHT NOW, observing, recording, taking part in, meddling with and generally screwing up history as we think we know it.
This is a real risk. This could happen at any second. It has ALWAYS been a risk and will be in perpetuity.
Unless we act "now".
Our mission:
To preserve the integrity of the space-time continuum, I hereby petition the governments of the world to immediately enact laws banning the research and practice of time travel.
Status of this mission:
Immediate success!
We first observe that the universe as we know it still exists.
Next, we see that there are no time travelers here in the present day.
From this, we surmise that nobody has traveled back to 2007 because nobody has ever invented time travel.
Finally, we conclude that nobody invented time travel due to the success of this campaign.
Thanks to everybody for your participation!
Wow! I drink Entirely too much coffee.
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