Letters from the edge of the clift
I have almost started using this blog as a diary and well maybe I should stop. My Bi-Polar nature makes me do odd thing at times and my moods swing wildly and rapidly (I am what they call a rapid cycler). Though the new cocktail of meds I am now on seems to help some what they are no where near completely effective (Either I am hopeless or the doctors are out of their league).
I really am confused these days and I shouldn’t be. Depressed? Angry? Manic? Yeah that’s about right. I have a promising new job, a pretty damn decent apartment, I am meeting people left and right (Why the hell was that so difficult in Oregon (More on Oregon later).. I have finally found a program to help me with my med (I think I am having an adverse reaction from the Depakote).
I can’t see or contact my kids and that’s probably what’s at the heart of my confusion. On the one hand I think maybe it might be better to sever all ties. That would save both the kids the grief of having an unreachable father and me the grief of not being able to see them. On the other I want desperately to be a part of their lives.
In the end I just don’t know. I really just don’t know. I am lost and approaching the cross roads, where the Devil awaits.
Some times I feel like just getting a shotgun and pulling a Hemingway.
I love them (My children) like nothing I have every loved in my life. I love their mothers as well. I’m nuts and this why virtually every close relationship (I am not implying a sexual relationship here, I am just making reference to those I have become close to) ends in glorious, tragic failure.
With the women who bore me children I suppose that we were sort tragedy bound.
I am getting along these days, the meds help I (I am on shitload of them) but grief has a way of finding you in the quiet little moments between your breath, even when you feel okay about yourself and your life it will prick you.
Well that’s about it for Saint Tuesday today. I am going to post this on my other two blogs just to back up the record. I may or may not re edit and expand it, who knows I am an unpredictable and kooky guy.
P.S. Did you know that my favorite letter is “K”?
I really am confused these days and I shouldn’t be. Depressed? Angry? Manic? Yeah that’s about right. I have a promising new job, a pretty damn decent apartment, I am meeting people left and right (Why the hell was that so difficult in Oregon (More on Oregon later).. I have finally found a program to help me with my med (I think I am having an adverse reaction from the Depakote).
I can’t see or contact my kids and that’s probably what’s at the heart of my confusion. On the one hand I think maybe it might be better to sever all ties. That would save both the kids the grief of having an unreachable father and me the grief of not being able to see them. On the other I want desperately to be a part of their lives.
In the end I just don’t know. I really just don’t know. I am lost and approaching the cross roads, where the Devil awaits.
Some times I feel like just getting a shotgun and pulling a Hemingway.
I love them (My children) like nothing I have every loved in my life. I love their mothers as well. I’m nuts and this why virtually every close relationship (I am not implying a sexual relationship here, I am just making reference to those I have become close to) ends in glorious, tragic failure.
With the women who bore me children I suppose that we were sort tragedy bound.
I am getting along these days, the meds help I (I am on shitload of them) but grief has a way of finding you in the quiet little moments between your breath, even when you feel okay about yourself and your life it will prick you.
Well that’s about it for Saint Tuesday today. I am going to post this on my other two blogs just to back up the record. I may or may not re edit and expand it, who knows I am an unpredictable and kooky guy.
P.S. Did you know that my favorite letter is “K”?
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